Secret Services arrest a naked 89-year old man for humping a statue in front of the White House

A naked elderly man high on crack cocaine and counterfeit Viagra pills was arrested by the United States Secret Services early this morning while engaging in sexual intercourse with the bronze mount of Andrew Jackson’s statue in Lafayette Square, just across the street from the White House.

Around 4:30 AM this morning, agents of the Secret Services assigned to the security of the White House led an unusual intervention to arrest a man outside of White House grounds.

89-year old Phineas Johnson had taken off his clothes and had climbed on the pedestal of the General Andrew Jackson statue when the federal agents and found him awkwardly humping the massive bronze horse.

In a brief press release, the Secret Services recognized that Mr. Johnson did not represent an immediate threat to the security of the President at the moment of his arrest, but justified their intervention by his disturbing mental condition and erratic behavior.

“This individual’s behavior was clearly unpredictable and erratic. A man ill enough to hump a horse statue is bound to represent a threat to others sooner or later.”

Mr. Johnson was transferred to the custody of the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia immediately after his interrogation.

He will undergo a psychiatric evaluation over the next few weeks to determine if he is fit to stand trial.

If found fit, he will have to face a variety of charges including trespassing, disorderly conduct, public intoxication, indecent exposure, failure to obey the orders of a federal agent, and breaching a probation order.

Security measures were increased this morning around the White House as more than 150 officers of the D.C Police and dozens of federal agents were added to the regular security staff.

The United States Secret Services proceed to an average of 145 arrests a year on White House grounds.

The vast majority of these interventions involve political activists trying to attract attention for various causes, but some are actual security threats endangering the President and his family.

Interventions outside the vicinity of the White House grounds such the one that has occurred last night are, however, exceptional.

The last similar reported operation was in 2004 when a man in a mascot costume and carrying a rocket launcher was arrested, also in Lafayette Square.

Be the first to comment on "Secret Services arrest a naked 89-year old man for humping a statue in front of the White House"

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*