A woman desperate for sex after a series of failed Tinder encounter made an extremely poor choice of partner last night in Edmonton: she engaged in sex with a freezing cold fire hydrant that remained stuck to her genitals by the cold, causing severe frostbite.
29-year old Amanda Martins called 911 herself around 4:30 this morning to report that she had gotten stuck to a fire hydrant and was in need of emergency medical assistance.
The 911 operator was unable to understand the exact nature of the problem, but the sense of emergency in Ms. Martins’ voice led her to send both city workers, policemen, and paramedics to the site.
A pair of city employees usually assigned to road maintenance arrived on the site first and was shocked by what the seen awaiting them.
Jason Cunningham, who was the first to come to Ms. Martins’ rescue, described what he saw this morning in an interview with CBC.
“At first we thought she was just leaning against the hydrant, but as I came closer, I realized she had her pants around her ankles and understood what was going on.”
Mr. Cunningham says his colleague and him did what they could to help the panicking woman, and were finally able to free her from her uncomfortable position a few minutes after they arrived.
“She was screaming like hell and insulting us for trying to help. But seriously, we’re not trained at all to help 400-lb women who get frozen fire hydrants stuck in their body cavities. It’s a miracle with could help her at all.”
Paramedics arrived on the site less than two minutes after the workers freed her and they took over to care for the freezing woman.
Ms. Martins was transported in a critical condition to the Misericordia Community Hospital where doctors were, fortunately, able to stabilize her.
She even regained consciousness only a few hours later, but still suffers from both second and third-degree frostbites and is considered in a state of shock.
Canadian Health authorities have released a brief communiqué this morning to remind the population to avoid touching directly any metal objects at temperatures below 0°C, and especially having sex with them.