Three militant clowns were arrested this morning in Houston by the FBI anti-terrorist squad and accused of planning a “pie attack” against Donald Trump during one of the President’s campaign rallies.
The three suspects, 51-year old Eric Sleeman Jr., 43-year old Cesar Alonzo Jiménez, and 48-year old Timothy Smith were all arrested almost simultaneously by three FBI intervention squad as the result of 3-month long operation nicknamed “Pastry Shield”.
Search warrants for the suspects’ residences revealed lots of documentation concerning the president’s various planned rallies, as well as dozens of pies and over 40 gallons of whipped cream.
According to FBI spokeswoman Janet Davis, the suspects had meticulously planned their “pastry attack” as a form of political terrorism.
“They admitted that they planned to assault the President with pastries, claiming they wanted to attack his arrogance and vanity and discredit him in his functions as President.”
Ms. Davis says that the alleged non-lethality of the suspects’ weapons is hardly a mitigating factor and doesn’t affect the nature of the charges against them.
“The law doesn’t see any difference between edible and non-edible weapons. And what they were planning represents an assault on the presidency and democracy itself.”
In a rare burst of gratitude towards the FBI, President Trump tweeted this morning that the FBI “finally did something useful for once”, referring to the suspects as “typical Democrat clowns”.
Mr. Sleeman, Mr. Jiménez, and Mr. Smith all accused of plotting a terrorist attack and providing material support or resources for a terrorist attack. Mr. Sleeman, the presumed leader of the group, faces additional charges of soliciting support for a terrorist act.
They are to be judged in a single trial which is set to begin in September in Houston.